The Dawning Of The Selfish Orgasm

My friend, Ronna asked, “Karen, how do I know if I had an orgasm?” Scratching my head, I asked, “Have you ever masturbated?”

Her response, “No, but I have great sex with my husband.”

I firmly stated, “Ronna, you need to have a selfish orgasm.”

Ronna’s expression was like a deer caught in a truck’s headlights.

I thought: Is it possible that a 32-year-old woman had never masturbated and achieved an orgasm? Are there others out there with the same lack of orgasmic experience? This is a tragedy! Men talk about masturbating all the time. You hear male comedians constantly referring to “rubbing one out” or “whacking off” without a moment’s hesitation. Women tend to keep their masturbation hidden. I love nothing more than bringing up the subject with my friends. There are some who talk openly about their favorite vibrators, but there are others who are mortified to broach the subject. I want to scream, “Women, come out of the closet!” No pun intended on the use of the word, “come.” I feel that orgasms deserve the same equality as equal pay. It’s the dawning of the selfish orgasm for women.

What does it mean to have a selfish orgasm? It’s about having a delicious mindful orgasm without thinking about anyone else. Having an orgasm without worrying what your partner is thinking or feeling is liberating. If you’re in charge of your orgasm, you can regulate the timing and intensity. You can use toys, read sexy books, or watch porn while enjoying a stress free purely self-absorbed experience. Fantasizing plays a huge part in the build up to an orgasm. It’s a lot easier to focus on this alone, rather than simultaneously trying to balance the needs of your partner. Checking out your vagina in a mirror while playing with yourself can be a huge turn-on as well as a learning experience. How will you know what really gets your motor going if you haven’t tried out your vehicle first? You have the owner’s manual and learning what makes you purr is an individual process. Additionally, if you want to enjoy the same orgasmic bliss with a partner, you’ll have to school him as to what works for you. Once you figure out those details, you can articulate them to him (or her.) If you currently don’t have a partner, it’s all the more reason to keep your body sexually tuned up.

Having a selfish orgasm is giving yourself the pleasure that you deserve. It’s time to enjoy the benefits of being a woman, so explore, enjoy, and explode. Watch my video, "Why Women Should Masturbate."

A Cougar's Committed Relationship

A Cougar’s Committed Relationship - Seven Years Later, Still Going Strong “Love is like a virus, it can happen to anybody at anytime.” Maya Angelou

I'm a cougar. I'm also a widow. May 16, 2006, my husband of 24 years was tragically killed, and I became single at the ripe old age of 47. I was happily married to my husband, who was only a year older than me, and wasn't aware that I had the "cougar gene" in me until his death. After an intense period of mourning, I decided I needed male companionship, but wasn't ready to jump into a "serious" relationship. The term “cougar” implies an older woman on the prowl for her prey - a “cub” or much younger man. I wasn’t “on the prowl”; in fact the young men pursued me. Although it was fun, I was completely unprepared for the flirting and aggressive questions that I encountered from men in their twenties and thirties, such as, “How long has it been since you’ve had sex?” or “Have you ever done it with another girl?” I had been in the "married" world most of my adult life, and never went through the dating scene. I have to admit, it was very flattering to be "hit on" by younger men.  My daughter aged 22 informed me that an older man pursuing a girl in her twenties is considered “creepy.” Conversely, there seems to be an unwritten code in the 21st century that promotes younger men being with older women. These young cubs had confidence, a full head of hair, muscular bodies, and dressed well.  At clubs, they bought us drinks and offered us seats at their VIP tables with bottle service. In one instance, a wealthy younger man who was interested in me actually paid a bouncer to keep annoying guys away from one of my friends. I was initially very naïve, and didn't realize that you don’t give your cell phone number to every guy who asked, because you’ll get texted or called at 4 am.  On more than one occasion, a guy would call asking intrusive questions about my sexual fantasies or describe in a text how great sex would be with him. Guys would beg me to send naked photos (I never did), or occasionally texted unsolicited pictures of their proudly displayed penises.

Why would a guy in his late 20's or early 30's want someone who's older with three kids and stretch marks? Why not choose the younger nubile bodies of girls their age? I asked a few of my younger men what their reasons were, and they'd say, “Older women are hot.” My guess is that they were attracted to my confidence, and the lack of pressure that I placed on them to be involved in a relationship. I didn't want to get married, I didn't want their money, and I certainly didn't want to have their babies. All I wanted was to have fun. Knowing that these were not going to be long-term relationships made it simple, and enjoyable at a time when my life was frequently unstable.

Going out with men my age was a different ballgame. Often this required me to listen to stories of wicked exes and the massive amounts of money they lost paying alimony and child support.  Many of the guys had negative feeling towards women after being in failed marriages. Additionally, keeping in shape and well groomed didn’t seem to be a high priority for many older gents. There weren’t a lot of widowers in their 40’s, so most available men are either divorced or have never been married. To summarize, I found younger guys to be more desirable. They hadn’t been married, and had more positive untainted views of women than their older divorced male counterparts.

This was my life as an “untamed” cougar from Chicago, IL until I met Steve. This tall, handsome, 33-year-old man wasn’t looking to be involved in a relationship and neither was I.  Our worlds collided on February 29, 2008 - a leap year, when my friend Susie and I crashed Steve’s company’s private party at “The Pink Elephant” in New York City. We were only in New York for one night, and what began as idol flirting turned into an intense attraction. Neither of us could have predicted that our long distance relationship would survive the many obstacles ahead. Steve’s devotion to me and his strong character are what attracted me to him. He’s told me on more than one occasion that what he loves most about me is my upbeat personality. We thoroughly enjoy each other’s company and respect one another. Age is only a number in our eyes.

Are there challenges due to big age differences? Yes! I think a main issue can be is if a couple’s life goals are different. Thankfully, we seem to want the same things. In our case, I didn’t want any more children, and I made that clear from day one. Steve has stated that having children wasn’t a deal breaker for him. He’s always put my three children’s needs before his own, and that generosity of spirit is another of his endearing qualities. We have gone through different life passages, and we’re aware that we’ll need to continually address this together as a team. We enjoy many similar interests such as music, comedy, and travel.

Introducing a much younger man, as your boyfriend was no easy task. For instance, when a man of my age found out that I was dating Steve, some sort of macho/defensive armor arose and remarks such as; “Are you going to babysit him?” or “Do you change his diapers?” were not uncommon. Women sometimes were equally rude, and called him my “Boy Toy.” My parents were concerned that he would leave me when I started, “looking old.” His parents initially had no desire to meet me stating, “You’re wasting your time with her, since she won’t give us grandchildren.” Over the years, our family and friends have witnessed our love and devotion and now accept and appreciate us as a committed couple.

There’s a 50% divorce rate in the United States, and no guarantees that any relationship will last. For the past seven years, we’ve overcome two huge obstacles; long distance and a large age gap, and this in itself would indicate the strength of our relationship. Is he going to leave me when I “look old”? He’s probably no more likely to leave me than any same aged man would leave a partner if she “looked old.”  Do we argue and have normal relationship problems just like any other couple? Of COURSE!  Will I miss out on “the golden years” when my age group retires, and Steve is at the height of his career? My answer: He’ll keep me young! Steve explained it best once when a friend taunted him about being with me. The friend asked, “Steve, why would you want to be with an old lady?” He replied, “Karen has a young spirit and I’m attracted to that.” Will he resent me for not having his child? Again Steve said it best, “If I’m having as much fun with Karen in ten years as I do now, then all the sacrifices will be worth it.”

Read more about my life as a "COUGAR"  Watch videos on my YouTube channel: The KarenLeePoterShow

Why Do Cougars Fascinate Us? Let’s Re-define the word: COUGAR!

Why Do Cougars Fascinate Us? Let’s Re-define the word: COUGAR! Who was your favorite character on Sex and the City? Admit it, Carrie was sweet, but Samantha was fascinating. Samantha was hot! She dressed sexy, dated younger men, and wasn’t afraid to shock the others with tales of her sexual exploits. Samantha took pride in her body and mind. She was financially independent, loved her job, passionate about her friends and had a great sense of humor. Samantha was a Cougar!

I know a lot about Cougars, because I’m a Cougar. My husband of 24 years was suddenly ripped from my life, and I became a widow at age 47. I was unprepared for my metamorphosis from kitten to Cougar, but everyone’s journey is different. I’m currently in a committed relationship with a younger man, but that’s a small part of my being a Cougar. In fact, I have redefined the term cougar to mean a woman who is a: Confident, Older, Unique, Genuine, Assertive, and Racy. Any woman can possess these traits – married or single. We all have it within us, and I challenge you to release your inner Cougar!

A Cougar is CONFIDENT!

Confidence is the cornerstone to being a cougar. A cougar is confident on both physical and mental levels. She works out, eats healthy, and keeps her body fit. This doesn’t mean that you need to have the perfect body to be a cougar. Take the body you have and make it the best it can be. If you can’t afford a gym, find ways to exercise at home. We realize that we have only one body, and although gravity is pulling it down, we continually strive to make it better. Wear makeup because there’s no such thing as a natural beauty, color your hair, and accentuate the positives in the way you dress. If you have great boobs, wear low cut tops. If you like your butt, invest in a hot pair of jeans.

Your body language says EVERYTHING, so strut your stuff. Have you ever noticed that the most popular girl in high school wasn’t necessarily the prettiest or had the best figure? She did exude self-confidence! Here’s where the mental aspect to being a cougar comes into play. Cougars don’t worry about what “people” think about them. A cougar knows whom she is and what she wants to do with her life. If you follow what your gut is telling you, you will succeed. It’s that simple. This applies to how you raise your family, dealing with friends, and becoming independent of others. As you support yourself, your self-esteem rises immensely. Cougars have the inner strength to filter out the advice of judgmental “well meaning” friends and family. We go to therapists or meditate in order to clear our minds. Cougars work at keeping their bodies and minds in the best possible condition.

A Cougar is OLDER and proud to say it. As Samantha Jones states, “I’m 52, and I will rock this dress.” Your wrinkles are your war wounds. You’ve had awesome experiences in your life; raised children, worked various jobs, traveled, and survived tragedies. Cougars have had the experience to know what’s important in life. An older woman has had many great sexual experiences. You’re like a fine wine or an ancient tree. You may have a few more aches and pains, and you may have to wear reading glasses, but you have wisdom that is invaluable. Being older and wiser makes us great mothers. We’ve taken care of ourselves and therefore we’re able to impart our love and wisdom onto our kids. I have an incredibly open and honest relationship with my three children. If they want to talk about sex, drugs, or rock and roll, they know that I’m game. Who wouldn’t want this relationship with a parent? The transformation into a fully actualized Cougar takes years. This is why you don’t see too many cougars under 40.

A Cougar is UNIQUE, and that’s a good thing. If we were all the same, think how boring life would be. Cougars are women who at times can fit into the crowd, but it’s not imperative to her existence. You are a snowflake, and no two are alike. As a cougar, you’ll want to dress, act, and experience life in your own special way. If you think you’re different in a positive way, people will flock to you. Don’t stifle your fun and vibrant personality to be like every other woman your age. Be a joyful unique woman who speaks her mind. Some women lose their identity after they get married and have families. They become someone’s wife or mother, and those wonderful independent women are somehow pushed into a corner. I quit my job when I had my first child, and followed the traditional role of mother and wife. I put my heart and sole into raising three kids, and enjoyed my life for several decades focusing on everyone’s dream but my own. In speaking with many women who’ve gone through a divorce, a common theme they learned was, “Never lose YOURSELF.” If you want to date a younger guy because you have a younger spirit, don’t worry about what people will think, just go for it.

A Cougar is Genuine and doesn’t try to be someone she’s not. You shouldn’t dress or act like the person your partner wants you to be. You need to be real! I’ve seen some women try to be the prim and proper girlfriend or wife only to feel like a fraud. If you follow your gut, you’ll know who you are and how to be yourself even if you’re different than the people around you. Don’t try to fit into a crowd that makes you feel inferior because you aren’t like them. It’s very liberating to be yourself. The alternative is to feel fake and pretentious. This ultimately causes negative hostile resentment over time, and that’s not very cougar-like.

Assertive is a key component to being a true cougar. If someone hurts you and you let him, you’re teaching him that being harmful is ok. I wasn’t always outspoken, in fact I was super shy. I let kids on the playground take my pail and shovel. I was scared to participate in class. Somehow, I realized that this didn’t get my needs met and I began to speak up. Assertive is not aggressive! You don’t want to hit someone with a stick instead of calmly articulating your thoughts as to why you won’t accept the poor behavior. As a cougar you’re a role model to your family and friends. If you feel strongly about something, speak your mind and don’t hold back. Being your own advocate is the best thing you can do for yourself. If you don’t help yourself, who will? Men are definitely attracted to this strength. It’s a turn-on. They prefer independent free thinkers rather than needy, insecure, non-challenging women.

The Urban Dictionary’s definition of Racy is: “A very sexy girl, only some can pull that name off.” Cougars love to express their sexuality. They’re comfortable talking about sex. They realize the importance of sex and intimacy in a relationship. If you want to be thought of as a vibrant, sexy woman for life, then embrace that part of you. Men are attracted to women who exude confidence in their bodies and desires. Being racy in the bedroom will definitely enhance your sex life. Wearing racy clothing when it’s appropriate is fun and keeps you from becoming old and matronly. Guys can usually spot a cougar a mile away. They can tell that she’s confident in her sexuality because of the way she walks, talks, and dresses.

Are you ready to become a confident, older, unique, genuine, assertive, and racy woman? Get your cougar pride going and release that inner feline. The next time you’re with your friends discussing who you identify with on “Sex and The City,” you know who to choose – Samantha!

The difference between an informed lover and an ignorant dude

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dK7vGGBroAk "I wrote dat chapter a looooong time ago :))" This is a post I received on my facebook wall after I shared my interview with celebrity porn star and sex educator, #NinaHartley - "How to perform amazing oral sex on a woman (part 1) with Nina Hartley."

Sorry dude, but if you watched and learned anything from this video, it's that there's always room to learn and that all women are unique. We are all lovely snowflakes with different beautiful vaginas! How can you really boast about "writing dat chapter" as if there was nothing to learn from someone as experienced with both men and women as a porn star, sex educator and author? Here's one of my favorite lines from the interview: "The difference between tolerating penetration and craving penetration is fifteen minutes." During those precious minutes, a lot of exploring, teasing, and unique communicating must occur between the couple. It all comes down to a Buddha quote, "Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." Dude, learn from everything and there are a lot of chapters that still need writing. For anyone wanting to better their sex life and provide orgasms for their partner, watch the videos, learn from them, and write some new novels!

Choose Your Face Over Your Ass

Are you over 40 and still trying to be ultra thin? Here are 10 reasons why you should think twice. I've always agreed with my sorority sister’s favorite saying, "You can never be too skinny or too rich." I rationalized that being uber rich might have its problems, but I would deal with them while traveling throughout the world on my yacht. However, as I passed my 40th birthday marker, I began to question, "Can you be too skinny?" I looked in the mirror and concluded that her theory on never being too skinny had some serious drawbacks. Sure, when you're super skinny, you'll be able to fit into your bikini from 1975, and slide into your size two jeans with ease, but these advantages come at the expense of something far more valuable — YOUR FACE!

After a certain age, you will need to make THE CHOICE. What's more important…your face or your ass? After extensive personal research, I've determined that my face is by far the winner. Click here for a video demonstration, and read on to discover ten reasons why you should choose your face vs your bum.

1) You can see it in your face. Has this chain of events ever happened to you? You step on the bathroom scale, see a weight loss of a few pounds, leap in the air with excitement, go to the grocery store, bump into a friend and she exclaims, “Wow you lost weight, I see it in your face?" Your face is always the first place that looks thinner, not your thighs, waist or butt. Your mug looks longer, creases form on your cheeks, and the skin under your chin starts to sag. You appear older — not the look you were going for.

2) Big butts do not lie. We are now in the age of the Beyonce & Kardasian butts. These two women have revolutionized the whole "Does my butt look fat question." People are even getting butt implants! This is life altering for those of us who've always tried to minimize their derriere. Thank you, Beyonce for making it a plus to have a plus sized prime beef rump roast.

3) Say no to bony butts. Along with the aesthetic value of a bigger butt, it helps to have a little extra padding there if you happen to fall down. As we get older, a boney bum can turn into a broken tailbone if you happen to slip on some ice. A little cushioning provided by a few pounds can help soften the blow and save you a lot of physical therapy.

4) Fillers are painful. Botox and other fillers for your face are costly and painful. Having a little fullness in the face gives a smoother look with fewer wrinkles. You can avoid the frequent trips to the dermatologist by eating that extra piece of pizza and letting your face enjoy the benefits.

5) Say no to plastic surgery. To take it one step further, you'll be able to postpone a facelift or other surgical procedures that tighten your skin. You also won’t walk around looking as if you are perpetually surprised or resemble Kim Novak on the Academy Awards 2014.

6) Your face is the most important part of your body. Your face is what people look at 90% of the time. Who walks around backwards? As long as your job isn't a docent at the museum and you're not inclined to do the moonwalk, your face is what's seen the majority of the time. You'll want it to look as smooth and wrinkle free as possible.

7) Eating is a pleasurable experience. You will be able to enjoy a good meal with friends rather than splitting a side salad and drooling over everyone else's entree. What could be more frustrating than eating a few pieces of lettuce and a green bean while everyone is gobbling up their scrambled eggs and bacon? Your face will have a big smile on it when it’s well nourished.

8) It takes too much time and energy to be on a diet. You won't have to plan your meals in advance and be in a constant state of hunger. Your face will not have a constant frown with worry lines from the stress of not eating enough green leafy vegetables and indulging in too many carbs. You can sleep comfortably and won't have nightmares about eating a piece of cheesecake.

9) Choosing your face will definitely help your mood. You won't be irritable and stressed about gaining a pound or two. People won't be bored listening to what your latest fad diet is and how much weight you've lost. You'll be a happier person — and so will they!

10) Having a flat ass doesn’t help your sex life. Your partner might hurt his hand giving a little love tap to your boney bum. Some men say, "The bigger the cushion, the better the pushin." Yes, men seem to like a fuller bottom.

So, what's it going to be? Do you want to live your life, trying to look like a runway model with an eating disorder, or would you rather pinch a little more than an inch and enjoy your youthful plump face. The choice is yours! Don't forget what Sir Mix-a-Lot says, "I like big butts and I cannot lie."