The Dawning Of The Selfish Orgasm

My friend, Ronna asked, “Karen, how do I know if I had an orgasm?” Scratching my head, I asked, “Have you ever masturbated?”

Her response, “No, but I have great sex with my husband.”

I firmly stated, “Ronna, you need to have a selfish orgasm.”

Ronna’s expression was like a deer caught in a truck’s headlights.

I thought: Is it possible that a 32-year-old woman had never masturbated and achieved an orgasm? Are there others out there with the same lack of orgasmic experience? This is a tragedy! Men talk about masturbating all the time. You hear male comedians constantly referring to “rubbing one out” or “whacking off” without a moment’s hesitation. Women tend to keep their masturbation hidden. I love nothing more than bringing up the subject with my friends. There are some who talk openly about their favorite vibrators, but there are others who are mortified to broach the subject. I want to scream, “Women, come out of the closet!” No pun intended on the use of the word, “come.” I feel that orgasms deserve the same equality as equal pay. It’s the dawning of the selfish orgasm for women.

What does it mean to have a selfish orgasm? It’s about having a delicious mindful orgasm without thinking about anyone else. Having an orgasm without worrying what your partner is thinking or feeling is liberating. If you’re in charge of your orgasm, you can regulate the timing and intensity. You can use toys, read sexy books, or watch porn while enjoying a stress free purely self-absorbed experience. Fantasizing plays a huge part in the build up to an orgasm. It’s a lot easier to focus on this alone, rather than simultaneously trying to balance the needs of your partner. Checking out your vagina in a mirror while playing with yourself can be a huge turn-on as well as a learning experience. How will you know what really gets your motor going if you haven’t tried out your vehicle first? You have the owner’s manual and learning what makes you purr is an individual process. Additionally, if you want to enjoy the same orgasmic bliss with a partner, you’ll have to school him as to what works for you. Once you figure out those details, you can articulate them to him (or her.) If you currently don’t have a partner, it’s all the more reason to keep your body sexually tuned up.

Having a selfish orgasm is giving yourself the pleasure that you deserve. It’s time to enjoy the benefits of being a woman, so explore, enjoy, and explode. Watch my video, "Why Women Should Masturbate."

Why Do Cougars Fascinate Us? Let’s Re-define the word: COUGAR!

Why Do Cougars Fascinate Us? Let’s Re-define the word: COUGAR! Who was your favorite character on Sex and the City? Admit it, Carrie was sweet, but Samantha was fascinating. Samantha was hot! She dressed sexy, dated younger men, and wasn’t afraid to shock the others with tales of her sexual exploits. Samantha took pride in her body and mind. She was financially independent, loved her job, passionate about her friends and had a great sense of humor. Samantha was a Cougar!

I know a lot about Cougars, because I’m a Cougar. My husband of 24 years was suddenly ripped from my life, and I became a widow at age 47. I was unprepared for my metamorphosis from kitten to Cougar, but everyone’s journey is different. I’m currently in a committed relationship with a younger man, but that’s a small part of my being a Cougar. In fact, I have redefined the term cougar to mean a woman who is a: Confident, Older, Unique, Genuine, Assertive, and Racy. Any woman can possess these traits – married or single. We all have it within us, and I challenge you to release your inner Cougar!

A Cougar is CONFIDENT!

Confidence is the cornerstone to being a cougar. A cougar is confident on both physical and mental levels. She works out, eats healthy, and keeps her body fit. This doesn’t mean that you need to have the perfect body to be a cougar. Take the body you have and make it the best it can be. If you can’t afford a gym, find ways to exercise at home. We realize that we have only one body, and although gravity is pulling it down, we continually strive to make it better. Wear makeup because there’s no such thing as a natural beauty, color your hair, and accentuate the positives in the way you dress. If you have great boobs, wear low cut tops. If you like your butt, invest in a hot pair of jeans.

Your body language says EVERYTHING, so strut your stuff. Have you ever noticed that the most popular girl in high school wasn’t necessarily the prettiest or had the best figure? She did exude self-confidence! Here’s where the mental aspect to being a cougar comes into play. Cougars don’t worry about what “people” think about them. A cougar knows whom she is and what she wants to do with her life. If you follow what your gut is telling you, you will succeed. It’s that simple. This applies to how you raise your family, dealing with friends, and becoming independent of others. As you support yourself, your self-esteem rises immensely. Cougars have the inner strength to filter out the advice of judgmental “well meaning” friends and family. We go to therapists or meditate in order to clear our minds. Cougars work at keeping their bodies and minds in the best possible condition.

A Cougar is OLDER and proud to say it. As Samantha Jones states, “I’m 52, and I will rock this dress.” Your wrinkles are your war wounds. You’ve had awesome experiences in your life; raised children, worked various jobs, traveled, and survived tragedies. Cougars have had the experience to know what’s important in life. An older woman has had many great sexual experiences. You’re like a fine wine or an ancient tree. You may have a few more aches and pains, and you may have to wear reading glasses, but you have wisdom that is invaluable. Being older and wiser makes us great mothers. We’ve taken care of ourselves and therefore we’re able to impart our love and wisdom onto our kids. I have an incredibly open and honest relationship with my three children. If they want to talk about sex, drugs, or rock and roll, they know that I’m game. Who wouldn’t want this relationship with a parent? The transformation into a fully actualized Cougar takes years. This is why you don’t see too many cougars under 40.

A Cougar is UNIQUE, and that’s a good thing. If we were all the same, think how boring life would be. Cougars are women who at times can fit into the crowd, but it’s not imperative to her existence. You are a snowflake, and no two are alike. As a cougar, you’ll want to dress, act, and experience life in your own special way. If you think you’re different in a positive way, people will flock to you. Don’t stifle your fun and vibrant personality to be like every other woman your age. Be a joyful unique woman who speaks her mind. Some women lose their identity after they get married and have families. They become someone’s wife or mother, and those wonderful independent women are somehow pushed into a corner. I quit my job when I had my first child, and followed the traditional role of mother and wife. I put my heart and sole into raising three kids, and enjoyed my life for several decades focusing on everyone’s dream but my own. In speaking with many women who’ve gone through a divorce, a common theme they learned was, “Never lose YOURSELF.” If you want to date a younger guy because you have a younger spirit, don’t worry about what people will think, just go for it.

A Cougar is Genuine and doesn’t try to be someone she’s not. You shouldn’t dress or act like the person your partner wants you to be. You need to be real! I’ve seen some women try to be the prim and proper girlfriend or wife only to feel like a fraud. If you follow your gut, you’ll know who you are and how to be yourself even if you’re different than the people around you. Don’t try to fit into a crowd that makes you feel inferior because you aren’t like them. It’s very liberating to be yourself. The alternative is to feel fake and pretentious. This ultimately causes negative hostile resentment over time, and that’s not very cougar-like.

Assertive is a key component to being a true cougar. If someone hurts you and you let him, you’re teaching him that being harmful is ok. I wasn’t always outspoken, in fact I was super shy. I let kids on the playground take my pail and shovel. I was scared to participate in class. Somehow, I realized that this didn’t get my needs met and I began to speak up. Assertive is not aggressive! You don’t want to hit someone with a stick instead of calmly articulating your thoughts as to why you won’t accept the poor behavior. As a cougar you’re a role model to your family and friends. If you feel strongly about something, speak your mind and don’t hold back. Being your own advocate is the best thing you can do for yourself. If you don’t help yourself, who will? Men are definitely attracted to this strength. It’s a turn-on. They prefer independent free thinkers rather than needy, insecure, non-challenging women.

The Urban Dictionary’s definition of Racy is: “A very sexy girl, only some can pull that name off.” Cougars love to express their sexuality. They’re comfortable talking about sex. They realize the importance of sex and intimacy in a relationship. If you want to be thought of as a vibrant, sexy woman for life, then embrace that part of you. Men are attracted to women who exude confidence in their bodies and desires. Being racy in the bedroom will definitely enhance your sex life. Wearing racy clothing when it’s appropriate is fun and keeps you from becoming old and matronly. Guys can usually spot a cougar a mile away. They can tell that she’s confident in her sexuality because of the way she walks, talks, and dresses.

Are you ready to become a confident, older, unique, genuine, assertive, and racy woman? Get your cougar pride going and release that inner feline. The next time you’re with your friends discussing who you identify with on “Sex and The City,” you know who to choose – Samantha!

How Tragedy Begot My Transformation

From Mixed Company to Murder: How Tragedy Begot My Transformation I had been happily married to my college sweetheart, Gary, for nearly twenty-four years. We had a daughter and two sons who were 19, 17 and 11 years old. I never dreamed that a joyous musical rendez-vous would precede a tragic event that would turn our wonderful world upside down… My daughter, Jessica, had just finished her sophomore year at Yale University and had arranged for her a cappella group, Mixed Company, to perform in the Midwest area. The group of 18 boys and girls would be staying at our house for the mid-May weekend and then drive up to Minnesota to finish the tour. On the Friday evening of their tour, we invited our friends and family to see them perform a show at one of our favorite restaurants, Café Lucci. Nearly everyone we knew crammed into that room. It was a magical night! I remember glancing at Gary, who was grinning with pride as my daughter sang a solo. The rest of the weekend was filled with site-seeing and culminated with a private performance in our kitchen—a four-part harmony “Happy Mother’s Day” song.

Gary joked on Monday night about how he was contemplating missing work the next day so he could drive to Minnesota with the group. Unfortunately, he did the responsible thing and went to work. Tuesday morning, May 16, 2006, I received a frantic phone call from someone in Gary’s office. Gary had been stabbed! I didn’t know how badly he had been hurt, but I yelled for my daughter to come with me to the hospital. The boys were at school.

Gary was the president of a construction company. The previous day, he had given an employee, Tom, a pay cut during a routine job performance review. Apparently, Tom wasn’t happy about losing part of his income, and so he strolled into the office kitchen the next morning, slid a cake knife up his sleeve, casually said good morning to his colleagues, slinked into Gary’s office, closed the door, plunged a knife into my husband’s heart, and repeatedly stabbed him. He didn't stop until some co-workers stormed the office and pulled him off.

Jessica and I arrived at the hospital, and after a terrifying seclusion in a waiting room, we learned from a chaplain that Gary had died. Time froze as I looked at my daughter’s face and the news sank in. My sister picked up my sons at school and told them about what had happened as she drove to the hospital. That night, I made the determination that I wasn’t going to be pitied and labeled as, “the woman whose husband was murdered." I vowed that my kids would be strong, and our family would remain a family.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about Gary. But I’m a much different person than I was back in 2006 when Mixed Company came to town. Gary's death was the launch pad for my transformation into a new life that I could hardly have imagined on the day that he was murdered. I have learned a great deal about my capabilities as a person and navigator in the years since. Life’s changes and the ways in which we handle them are what define us. I want to share these experiences with LoveEncore fans and hear the adventures of others who have likewise been transformed by their lives' events...

Let’s Talk About Sex

I’m reading “50 Shades of Grey,” whispered the blushing 60ish woman waiting for her nails to dry at the salon. “What’s it about?” I asked. “It’s about a girl with an older guy who’s into bondage and other kinds of S and M sex,” she replied. “Sounds like my kind of book,” I answered as I whipped out my phone to make a note of it. Shortly after that, I began hearing my friends discussing the book too. My friend, B downloaded it on her Kindle and began reading it on an airplane. She said she was so nervous the person next to her could see the large print, that she kept her arm covering it the entire trip. My friends’ husbands and boyfriends all claimed not to have read the books, but somehow were able to discuss certain explicit scenes in graphic detail. Everyone started to buzz about the books – mothers were sharing books with their daughters. My 80-year-old mother-in-law read the entire trilogy. The president of our temple brought it up in his appeal for funds stating, “We spend money on things like, “50 Shades of Grey,” which I’m certain every man in this room feels is money well spent.”

What took women so long to start talking about their fantasies and kinky desires? Guys have no problem talking about how they regularly masturbate or how they fantasize about younger or older women. I have always been comfortable talking about sex with practically everyone - except my parents. I remember getting my first vibrator back in college. I proudly showed my sorority sisters the pointy nose and little rabbit ears on my pink vibrating toy. I found tremendous pleasure reading books written by authors like Nancy Friday about women’s sexual fantasies. I gave copies to my close friends for holiday gifts a few years back, and although they rolled their eyes at me, I know they read them cover-to-cover. Sex is fun and talking about it is fun too. It’s a lot more entertaining than discussing news, weather or sports. One of the main causes of divorce is sexual incompatibility. The first step to solving this problem is to talk about it.

People are afraid to talk about sex and what they want from their partners. I’m here to say, TALK ABOUT SEX! Bring it up at when you go out with another couple for dinner. Ask them if they watch porn together. They may be shocked to hear that you tried it, but later they may decide to give it a whirl. If something worked for you such as using a small bullet vibrator during sex, why keep it a secret? Let’s keep the 50 shades revolution rolling and talk about sex. It’s not a shady subject anymore!