Release Your Inner Stripper

Yes, this means you! I don’t care if you’re married, single or something in between. It doesn’t matter if your butt looks more like Roseanne Barr’s than Kim Kardashian’s. Stripping does not mean pole dancing. I’ve taken a pole dancing class, and you need to be part lemur to be able to climb a pole. Think Gypsy Rose Lee meets Madonna. It means taking off your clothes in a seductive manner with candlelight, and sensual music in front of your man. Stripping will boost your confidence and make you feel sexy. After you try this, your guy may be in favor of throwing a few dollar bills your way. Why do you think strip clubs are popular? If you ever went to one you’d realize the following: the girls are usually not good dancers, they don’t have great bodies, and they aren’t drop dead gorgeous. They have or they’re very good at acting like they do! Men pay ridiculous amounts of money to see women remove cheap nightgowns and pretend they’re interested in the poor morons. It’s a huge turn on for a man to think he’s getting a personalized show – even if it’s your guy who’s in his Hanes boxers watching a South Park re-run. It makes you feel like you’re hot, even if you haven’t lost those 10 lbs on Jenny Craig.

You need to do a little preparation when creating a bedroom/strip club. No - you don’t need to install a pole in your bedroom. Start by digging out the pink sequined lingerie you bought on an impulse back in ’98. I highly advise trying on the more technical stuff such as “thigh highs” in advance, since they may require a PHD in lingerie engineering. I found out the hard way, when I told my man to sit back while I bolted into the bathroom to slip into something sexy. I pulled the nylons over my thighs, slipped on a black bustier with 125 hooks, attempted to clip the 4 dangling ribbons onto the nylons, and failed to get one to stay attached. After 20 minutes of sweating, swearing, and breaking a fingernail, I waltzed back in the room looking like a disheveled mess. Consequently, I’m partial to assembling all clothing under a silky robe in advance. Make sure that you wear high heels. Don’t worry, stripping doesn’t require much moving around – trust me I can barely walk in gym shoes. A little alcohol is good to relax you and free your inhibitions. Note the word “little.” Translation: Don’t get sloppy drunk because there’s nothing worse then rolling your ankle, screaming obscenities, and waking the kids when you’re trying to be seductive.

Lighting is also an important component. You never see a brightly lit strip club. My favorite line as I’ve gotten older is, “Darkness is my friend.” Who doesn’t have a little extra flab around their waste? Nothing works better than candlelight and a dimmed lamp when it comes to removing the signs of gravity on your body. Here’s where the little insecure person in you is saying, “I have too much hanging here,” or “I’d look stupid if I put on crotch less panties.” No you won’t! You’ll look great since it’s dark and he can barely make out more than your silhouette. Now that you’ve got his attention, he’ll be zeroing in on the mountains and the molehills.

Music is one of the most essential elements in creating the atmosphere needed for stripping. You don’t hear Jay Leno doing his monologue in a club. I have my favorite stripper songs. Try Christina Aguilera’s, “Nasty Naughty Boy” – the lyrics are very explicit.

Here is the play by play as to how to strip once the mood is set. Tell him you’ve got a surprise for him, but he’ll need to close his eyes. If you’re sparking his interest but he is engrossed in the 7th inning of the Mets game, grab the remote, turn down the lights and press play on your boom box. Start by slowly strutting by him in your robe, and letting the tie come loose. Tease him by running your finger down his leg and then backing away towards the wall. You may want to fantasize and close your eyes. Imagine you’re in a room full of leering men and you’re on stage as the star attraction. Press your back against the wall and squat down. As you rise up, open your robe so he gets a glimpse of the teddy. Prance around the bed and let the robe fall to the floor. Bend over him and let him inhale your perfume while you brush your hair against his face. Don’t let him touch you. If you know the words to the song, sing along and tell him he’s naughty for trying to grab you. By mid song remove your shoes and pull a strap off your shoulder. Lift one leg onto the bed and rub your body luxuriously. He may get over zealous and try speeding up the process by grabbing you, but hold your ground. Be playful and tell him to back off or you’re sending in “Bruce the Bouncer” to toss his ass in the alley. Keep taunting him by rubbing your body on his and then backing off.

Towards the end of the song, remove your gown and keep your panties on. Get completely naked and climb on top of your eager partner. The next part is self-explanatory, but I suggest continuing the role-playing to add variety to your lovemaking. Releasing the inner stripper in you is erotic and will bring a higher level of excitement to your sex life.  Try it and as Madonna says, “Express Yourself.”